Today’s post is a special one, this is a testimony written by a blogging friend. Darrell Creswell wrote this and it is a gripping story of what utter depression, hopelessness, and despair can do to a person. Having been down this road myself, I have some understanding. God had and has plans for Darrell…and if you are at this point or anywhere near it…God has a plan for you as well. Please read this article and be encouraged.
Many thanks to Darrell Creswell from Darrell Creswell’s Blog for graciously granting permission to repost this great true story on Believing God Today.
I opened the chamber, loaded the gun with bullets, cocked the hammer back, put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger.
There is nothing worse in life than when you have lost all hope. When you lose all hope, you are left feeling destitute and alone – without God. I have been there, on the edge, not caring about my soul. Not caring about where I would spend eternity. Not caring about what would happen in the end -just wanting it to end.
I found myself alone in desolate, barren fields of self-doubt, breathing the bitter dust of disappointment and confusion etched in the dry cracked earth of my life’s tragedy and pain. It is a place I know all too well. Perhaps you know the place, I pray you don’t.
I have known good times and I have known bad times. The good times are good but the really bad times are deep, dark, painful and hopefully never to be seen again in my life. It was the 1990s, I was addicted to methamphetamines. It is another story how I got there, but nevertheless I was there. The grip of a drug addiction is strong and deep. I believe that drugs open a portal to allow demonic oppression to beset you, allowing satan to attempt to steal your soul.
There are many things in life that can steal our hope and leave us shattered and broken. As we abandon God and struggle with our pain alone, the enemy tightens his grip as without reliance on God we are helpless and vulnerable.
Pick a word, any word – they all are all the same when you are there. And they compound one on top of the other to take whatever is left of your hope away.
Estranged Forsaken Abandoned Lost Forgotten Uncared-for Exiled Alone Tired Stressed Wretched Unhappy Despair Hopeless Fear
These feelings will lead to many disasters in life; loss of marriage, loss of family, loss of social standing, and in extreme cases, as I found myself in, even loss of life.
I opened the chamber, loaded the gun with bullets, cocked the hammer back, put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger. The gun didn’t fire. I pulled the trigger over and over again – it wouldn’t fire. In a rage, I emptied the rounds from the chamber, grabbed fresh bullets from the box, loaded the gun and repeated the previous scene again. The gun would not fire.
I am still here. I shouldn’t be. With demons dancing round my head, God had His angels standing guard over me, preserving my soul.
High on drugs, up for 4 days, and with my mind ravaged by the effects of two years of drug abuse, I took a pair of pliers and began pulling the bullets apart trying to see why they wouldn’t fire. I couldn’t understand it.
I don’t remember passing out. At the beginning of the whole event that night, I had taken 12 NyQuil and chased them down with all the liquor I could find in the house. I awoke two days later.
Satan tried to take me to the pit as I abandoned God. I stood at death’s door and with all my might tried to force my way in – but my God stood in the way, holding the door shut. Very shortly afterwards I returned to God, abandoned my drug use and allowed God to open a new chapter in my life, again another story. Months later I would shoot the gun after gaining the courage to hold it again, load it and pull the trigger at a target on the fence. This time it fired, over and over again. I can’t explain why that night in October it would not fire. Was I so high that I forgot to release the safety, or did God supernaturally stop the gun from firing? From where I stand now it really doesn’t matter. All I know is that God was my rescue, my hope in my time of need.
Jeremiah 30:17 I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, declares the Lord.
There are times in life when we feel so tired, worn and stressed out, that we think we are done. We think we cannot even take one more step. We abandon all hope. We simply give up. That is what happened to me. It is when our life is in crisis, when our circumstances have drained all our strength from us; it is then we need to hope and wait upon the Lord. God wants to give us a new life, He wants to bring us a new tomorrow, and He wants to renew our strength. He wants us to have life, and live it in abundance. God intends a wonderful life for us.
Psalm 147:3 God heals the heartbroken and bandages their wounds
Life will leave us crushed and broken, but Jesus is the Great Physician, He heals the broken in heart. He heals us by his blood, curing us when we cannot cure ourselves. He heals us by the application of His sacrifice on Calvary, applying pardoning mercy and grace, streaming through his blood.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
We have all had times where we thought we were in God’s will only to find things coming apart on the broken wings of good intentions. Many times in life our hopes are dashed, promises broken and our way seems lost. That is exactly the place for God to come to our rescue. It is in realizing that we are but humble pilgrims lost without God’s direction that we can find our way.
As we journey through life, we will get beaten up- we will get hurt and bruised along the way. Scarred memories mark our journey like markers on a highway. There are times of joy and bliss that we savor, but sometimes it seems that they get lost in our journey, and abandon all hope. We wonder if tomorrow will bring; a better life; a better situation; a more prosperous job; or a happy marriage. It is only in God that we can find the hope for our future. If we put our hope in God, there will be no tragic ending to our lives.
God knows what His will is for our lives, he has declared it, and it is set in stone. God says to you, “I know what plans I have for you. Gods says, I have success for you, I will make a way for you, I have a job for you, I made you, I formed you, I breathed life into you and I redeemed you. I promise you that God has a plan for you. We have a hunger pang inside of us to have a happy life, and to find comfort and joy in our home and in our relationships. God has a plan to make that happen in our lives.
Realizing God’s plan for hope and a new future will lead you where you have never been before. You may be walking where you have never been before in new path blazing through the problems that you face in front of you, as God destroys the enemy that is behind you. So go ahead and move forward in life knowing confidently that God has it all planned out for you if you will but trust Him. Follow God’s plan for your life, and trust His unfailing, forgiving love. In His plan, every pain, hurt, wound, and disappointment that you have experienced will find peace. If you will but trust His plan for your life, you will find the sense of wholeness and completion that you long for.